Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters