I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
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Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?