and that鈥檚 why I鈥檓 fat馃き
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Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, 鈥渋s that why your feet look like that?”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you鈥檙e snowed in.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you鈥檙e 6 so we can board the flight early.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Cat 911: what鈥檚 your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn鈥檛 want to be picked up
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.