I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
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When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper