Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.