@Artemis_Ascends

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

@Artemis_Ascends

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

@Artemis_Ascends

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

@Artemis_Ascends

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

@Artemis_Ascends

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.