Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
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Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
this is how life feels
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes