Has science gone too far?
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[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
My wedding will be open casket.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
me refusing to leave twitter
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.