@AsYouNotWish

Wife: How many women have u slept with?

Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.

@AsYouNotWish

The main reason Santa is so jovial is cuz he knows where all the bad girls live.

@AsYouNotWish

I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.

@AsYouNotWish

I hate it when celebrities ask me to donate to some fund, you make 30 millions a movie & I make $30 a day. You send money.