instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
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The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
That was easy.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
lmfao
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call: