hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
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My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Guy who likes music
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.