Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of AsgardianRose's best tweets

@AsgardianRose : Autocorrect changed "panic attack" to "pancake attack" and now I'm hysterical AND hungry.

@AsgardianRose: Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

@AsgardianRose: Life can be compared to a 'Choose your own adventure' book.

Sometimes there's a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

@AsgardianRose: "This is mine", he growled passionately into her ear. "Are we clear?"

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn't try to eat his nachos again.

@AsgardianRose: Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called "Parking Violation".

@AsgardianRose: Being an adult means I'm in charge of my own bedtime, and I've realized I'm not equipped to handle that responsibility.

@AsgardianRose: I just overheard a woman tell her son "We don't lick other people, it's gross" and now I'm reevaluating so many choices I've made.

@AsgardianRose: Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We'll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

@AsgardianRose: Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn't get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?

@AsgardianRose: You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That's how I'm handling adulthood.