Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.