I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
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Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Meme Monday.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life