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When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be