If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
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He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.