[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
You Might Also Like
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Weirdly Wednesday.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
can’t wait til they legalize outside
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for