Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
You Might Also Like
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today