At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
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ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again