9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
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just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
time machine? you mean a clock?
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.