I hate my earbuds.
You Might Also Like
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.