Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
You Might Also Like
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Note to self: I am a note
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.