Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
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[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant