Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
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Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same