Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
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How funny!
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.