Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Aspersioncast's best tweets

@Aspersioncast : Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

@Aspersioncast: A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

@Aspersioncast: In Australia what doesn't kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

@Aspersioncast: Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

@Aspersioncast: Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

@Aspersioncast: My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

@Aspersioncast: My doctor said I shouldn't hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.

@Aspersioncast: If I've learnt anything from Zombie movies it's that people meat is pretty damn stringy.

@Aspersioncast: What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

@Aspersioncast: I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.