I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they’re stabbing it? No? How about now?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
So what do you pack for the end of the world? I’m thinking lots of toilet paper, oh and guns to protect my toilet paper.
When a girl says, “I think we should talk,” it’s never about the Bat Mobile.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys,
I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.
Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn’t even listening to you.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?