@Aspersioncast

My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.

@Aspersioncast

Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they’re stabbing it? No? How about now?

@Aspersioncast

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

@Aspersioncast

So what do you pack for the end of the world? I’m thinking lots of toilet paper, oh and guns to protect my toilet paper.

@Aspersioncast

When a girl says, “I think we should talk,” it’s never about the Bat Mobile.

@Aspersioncast

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

@Aspersioncast

If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys,
I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.