I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
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i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
“you changed” bro i was 15
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free