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I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
thanksgiving in nutshell
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.