My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
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My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro