Me: *trimming branches in the nude*

Her: You’re pruning?

Me: *embarrassed*
I was in the pool!


Officer 1: I’ll handle this

*comes back with conspicuous gravy stain*

Officer 2: What was that?

Officer 1: Just a poutine traffic stop


Me: Sorry sorry *tears welling up* so sorry

Her: oh honey…



A restraining order but it’s just me sending these watery noodles back to the kitchen.