Me: *trimming branches in the nude*
Her: You’re pruning?
I was in the pool!
Hey loose stools, get your shit together.
Officer 1: I’ll handle this
*comes back with conspicuous gravy stain*
Officer 2: What was that?
Officer 1: Just a poutine traffic stop
Me: Sorry sorry *tears welling up* so sorry
Her: oh honey…
Me: *sobbing* BANANA-FANA-FO-FORRY
A restraining order but it’s just me sending these watery noodles back to the kitchen.