“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
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[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Yup.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Best table by far
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”