I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
You Might Also Like
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Thanks to a fan for this one!
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.