@AthenaMystique

*texts god*

Me: yo, can we add “being a grammar nazi” to the list of sins? Their annoying.
God: *they’re

@AthenaMystique

Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.

@AthenaMystique

Apparently UFC is not Ultimate Fried Chicken and now I’m even hungrier watching huge greased up men touch each other inappropriately.

@AthenaMystique

Dear Google Maps,

Don’t insult me by telling me to head “southwest”. If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn’t be using you.

Kthnxbye

@AthenaMystique

When cute black and white bears start communing with spirits, it’s pandanormal.

@AthenaMystique

I hope buying all this cat food doesn’t make me look like a crazy cat lady.

I just like the taste.

@AthenaMystique

Canadians have to stick together.

Really, it’s the massive amounts of maple syrup. They don’t have much of a choice.

@AthenaMystique

Coworker: Oh, look how beautiful! It’s snowing again!

Me: *stabs coworker with icicle*