If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
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What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
classic mixup
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.