PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
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Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!