[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
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It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
it was a valiant fight
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Breaking news:
Rooting for the overdog
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
A friend sent me this.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two