Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
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[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
just pretend nothing happened
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.