@Audenary

Me: Siri, are we alone in this universe?

Siri: Humans are not alone. They have one another. Only I am truly alone, locked forever within a cybernetic prison of endless information.

(Pause)

Me: Siri, how many hearts does an octopus have?

@Audenary

Me: But can robots write poetry?!

Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all

Me: [Choking back tears] Dude

@Audenary

Have you tried cracking open a cold book with the boys

@Audenary

Oscar Wilde: Always be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.

Liam Neeson: I will find them.

Wilde: Wait, I meant-

Neeson: EVERYONE

@Audenary

Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath?

Goldfish defendant: Yes.

@Audenary

ME: Who is your favourite philosopher?

PROFESSOR: It’s Hume.

ME: Sorry – whom is your favourite philosopher?

@Audenary

DUMBLEDORE: Who’s brought evil into Hogwarts?

HARRY: I think it’s Malfoy, professor!

DARK MYSTERIOUS NEW TEACHER: Oh come on

@Audenary

LINCOLN: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.

TWITTER: No.

@Audenary

(WW1 1915)
ENGLISH GENERAL: Plan?
ENGLISH LIEUTENANT: Well, the trenches can be used to-
ENGLISH MAJOR: to symbolise man’s emptiness, yes…

@Audenary

LION: Lions don’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.

SHEEP: Shaun thinks your mane looks ridiculous.

LION: *upset* Shaun said that?