there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
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I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”