*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
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Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.