me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
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What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Tough love is true love
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Otters see a butterfly.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?