Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
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If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?