*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
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[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch