@Average_Dad1

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

@Average_Dad1

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

@Average_Dad1

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

@Average_Dad1

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

@Average_Dad1

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

@Average_Dad1

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

@Average_Dad1

Just saw a one star review for a restaurant and all it said was “never been there.” Thanks William, super helpful.

@Average_Dad1

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

@Average_Dad1

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

@Average_Dad1

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting