Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
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You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}