I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?