Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
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That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Sponch
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Life with a cat in one tweet
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***