1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
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interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.