While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
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me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.