M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
You Might Also Like
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.