Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
You Might Also Like
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
This is a true ally.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
How software testing works
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
This will never not be funny 😭
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Hitlers gonna hitl
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
happy valentine’s day to me
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long