If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
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Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm