I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
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Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.