Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
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I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!